September142014

Anonymous said: Hehe... That white haired, cocky, rogue is a damn stallion when it comes to ERP. Whoever bitches is just a jealous because they'll never achieve the level of desire that the women of the Reach have for that one singular man who somehow has the power to find desires you didn't even realize you had and fulfill them beyond all reasonable expectation.

This just begs to be read in a super dramatic voice. 

September72014
I still play too much Diablo. 

I still play too much Diablo. 

September52014

Cautious Optimism is Expensive

So, even if you’re pretty stable (and I like to think that I normally am), when you’re on prescription medication, you have to get checked out my a professional every once in a while. To that end, I went to my psychiatrist on Tuesday to get my papers renewed.

Let me set the scene for you: imagine me, no makeup on because I was running late but tasty ice coffee in hand, pretty dress on, and feeling fucking good. First words out of my mouth are said with a smile (“Which chair do I sit in? You redecorated!”). 

This woman has seen me at some of my worst points. She did her best to put together the pieces I had broken into during my early 20’s with a glue of medication and just good ol’ life advice. And here I was, together. Smiling. Joking. Talking excitedly about my future, despite my unstable current situation (please refer to section 1: ffs just make me full time with benefits already). The bad patch I went through two weeks ago came up, but the tone was so different from the last time I came in, right before I was about to be kicked out a grad school, right when I was both relieved and petrified. 

Near the end of the appointment, she looked me in the eyes in a way she never really has and said the following (paraphrased, of course):

"You’ve made such great progress, but I want you to keep in mind how your anxiety works. Another doctor who saw you in your bad patches might have wanted to change your medication or try something else entirely, but that’s not what works for you. And I want you to remember that, when the bad moments come and your anxiety seems like all there is, that you’ve made so much progress and that those feelings are only temporary." 

I started crying and she asked why. And I said, “I just hate remembering how bad it is.”

But that was the point. I have to remember how bad it was and can be. I say this because today has been a bad anxiety day. While work is fine and I continue to kick its butt (cautious optimism!), anytime I popped on any social media for a break today, including enjin and facebook, I kept getting those nagging thoughts that come with my bad days. Seeing someone that I consider a good friend mentioning another friend of theirs brought out the (so stupid) thoughts: “I guess I’ve been replaced.” Seeing people tag each other on tumblr triggered a: “I’m so removed from all of them, I should just leave. No one would care.” Replying to a funny facebook post with my own joke brought up: “Who the fuck are you kidding with these jokes? These people don’t care about you.”

So here I am, waiting to be picked up at work and feeling like I need a drink, a nap, and a cry. And fucking why? Something in my head that’s cross-wired, that’s spiking for no reason or flattening our when it should be spiking. Who the fuck knows, but that was my doctor’s point, right? That I have to be aware that this is how my brain works (for now, let’s hope) but that doesn’t mean that’s how the world is. 

Yeah, there’s some truth in my nagging worries. I should stop isolating myself from people. I should try to be better at being friends with people without feeling like I need their constant reminder that they actually do like and care about me and accepting that they can care and like about me and other people. Acknowledging that I like cracking stupid jokes and not everyone has to appreciate me beyond them since there’s nothing be lost in it. But those are things I can work on. They aren’t worth just throwing in the towel on. 

This place is starting to become where I come to just try to figure myself out, which means it comes out pretty negative and attention seeking. Trust that most days are pretty good. Trust that I think things are going in the right direction. That’s to myself, too. Trust that this history is not my entire history but it’s an important part of it and it’s part of how I’m working on going into my non-young adulthood as less of a wreck than my early adult self has managed to be. 

Is it time for a moral? A point? I guess trust your doctor. Don’t take silence from people as a sign that they don’t care. Let yourself have a fit as long as, in the end, you say, “Ok, now what do I do to fix it?”

So there you go, internet, my end of week, mid-study-crunch, end of workday random introspection on being an anxious wreck.

Maybe someday I’ll talk to some of you more consistently that shouting into this echo chamber.  I have one week to go until my (second) GRE and then hopefully I can try to engage. I miss you guys. 

September22014

tinalikesbutts:

same

FUCKING PREACH IT

(Source: kittiezandtittiez, via clockchimesthirteen)

August292014

iguanamouth:

a lot of people are burned out on emoticons but one that ill never get tired of is :> because it looks like youre being talked to by a friendly bird

image

(via clockchimesthirteen)

August262014

Based on information I received this morning…

Life status update: currently cautiously optimistic. I’ll find out something next week. 

In the meantime, applications, school work, normal work, and Diablo 3.

August252014

Mope train is in gear choo choo

A week later and nothing to show for it. I’ve started applying for jobs. My company still hasn’t made a decision over whether or not I get to stay. I’m still straddling that line between ok and not ok. I have enough to do to be a bit stressed but not enough to warrant it. I did at least slam some work out last week and am that much closer to a meaningless online certificate in data science, but the sense of accomplishment doesn’t stick when I look at jobs that ask for seven years of on job experience. 

I’m hoping tomorrow that I can apply for some more jobs, log into Diablo, and just tell emotions to fuck off for a little bit. 

August182014

I’ve been feeling heavy lately. Not depressed, not sad, not anxious. Just heavy. Like it’s hard to carry myself. 

Part of it is just what I have on my plate. Two projects this week. A wedding this weekend for a person I barely know (bf’s family). The GRE in a couple weeks, even though I took it six years ago. 

Then things not happening, like this full time position. It’s a long story, but the short version is that everyone I work with wants me to stay there, but the higher ups (well, really, just one of them, but the biggest one) either is just not paying attention or doesn’t care that this isn’t something I can wait on. I’m paying for my own insurance, I’m only making $20 an hour for skills that should demand much more. It’s been exhilarating, moving out of the slump my life was in, but now I’m in this new mini slump where I’m where I’d like to stay but no one will just tell me that I can. That I’ll be ok. 

Let’s not even get started on video games. Most MMOs are leaving me feeling horribly lonely, so I’ve been avoiding them. That and I’m just having trouble connecting. Besides Diablo, no games actually keep me entertained and I understand what that means, because it’s not like Diablo is really that amazing of a game. All I can stick with is doing the same thing over and over again without having to rely on other people. 

Then there’s my new bird. She’s a joy. She’s a brat. She’s something I’m letting distract me as much as I can, because I can see the difference it makes in her life and her happiness when she has us engaging with her. 

So yeah. I get home from work where I have no security, play with my bird for most of the night, then just kind of go to bed. If I haven’t recently known how I feel when I’m depressed, I would be really worried, but it’s just heavy.

August152014

Anonymous said: Because reevaluating one's life is the perfect cure for anxiety problems, amirite?

As someone who finally has her anxiety is pretty good check: it’s the only cure. 

Sure, I’ve got my fancy medication (SSRI). It helped the most at first and does keep me from letting the highs go too high or the lows go too low. It, however, didn’t fix things on its own. It wasn’t until I stopped and took the time to figure out the sources of my anxiety and, yeah, reevaluate my life that I finally ended up in a healthy space. 

Good luck to the person who is feeling this way. 

August132014
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